It’s all ‘nicey nicey’ until it’s ‘pricey pricey’

I don't want to alarm you, but there's a pest among us. I like to think of this pest as a racoon. Sweet angelic face, fluffy squishy body, delicate little gloves for hands… but with an unwavering appetite for chaos, mischief and costly destruction. And the racoon’s name: Excessive Niceness.

You heard.

“But niceness is a baseline expectation in most self-respecting businesses!” I hear you cry… “And Excessive Niceness is a rubbish name for a racoon!” Yes, you've got me there… let's move on.

While being a decent human being is, of course, a pretty basic entry-level quality, being too nice, especially in HR, can lead to financial and operational consequences that are not nice.

Niceness is overrated (Said every a**hole, ever)... But seriously, sugar-coating issues, avoiding difficult conversations, and glossing over subpar performance - sounds like a liability to me!

The Price

In the wise, yet now somewhat ironic, words of three-time-bankrupt Katie Price, “Never underestimate the Pricey”. There's a financial cost to avoiding uncomfortable realities. More often than not, businesses avoid highlighting issues until they've reached boiling point.

Time

Trying to ‘manage’ the problem of poor performance when it's gone unchallenged is hard. Real hard. It takes time, energy, and commitment, and you'll also have to work hard to rebuild trust with the person.

Realistically, you're looking at 6 months of hard work to determine whether the issue is fixable. If it is, happy days! If it's not, you've probably got at least another 6 months of processes to get through before that person is out of that role. It will not be a good 6 months for anyone.

In addition, in any unfair dismissal tribunal, they’ll be asking you why it was such an issue if you allowed it to go on for so long before… and you better have an answer ready!

Trust

You know that feeling you got at school when you were sure all the girls in your friendship group were talking about your bright green puffer jacket behind your back, but then every time you asked them they’d just smile sweetly and say “Nooo, we LOVE that jacket!” … just me? Ok well, pick your own example.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew something was up. You pick things up, get a whiff, that people aren’t being honest with you. I started hanging out with other kids (for the purpose of this analogy, left my job) and never spoke to those witches again.

Your teammates will always know that something’s afoot and you’re not being honest with them, or holding something back. Firstly, that’s going to erode trust. Secondly, it’s going to result in assumptions being made. And finally, it’s gonna to cost you when they inevitably leave, withhold things from you, or become riddled with anxiety.

(By the way, I later discovered that I was being called ‘Bogey Boyd’ … evidently I have been unable to get over that).

Settlements

Settlement types vary depending on the existing situation and what's happened up to that point. But they're all expensive.

If you’ve left issues unchecked for ages, to the point where things have just gone a bit weird and uncomfortable. Perhaps you’ve let it boil up inside for ages and finally you’ve decided that the only thing you can do is part ways. Or maybe, just maybe, you boiled over one day, and let out the years of frustration on your poor unsuspecting colleague, and now you’ve got a big mess to clean up.

It might be time to step into settlement territory.

An expensive and delicate process, that they don't even have to accept, and by that time you've already pretty much ruined the relationship. So, yeah, not ideal.

Team morale

You might think avoiding giving someone a bit of a reality check or challenging feedback creates a better, more collaborative work environment, and you’d be right, to a point. However, poor performance from just one person will slow productivity, tank team morale, and force high-performance teammates to shoulder the extra burden.

Also, this is just my personal experience and opinion, but when I’ve worked for leaders who don’t uphold and insist on high standards in the past, I’ve always just thought ‘Well, why should I then?’. By insisting on high standards, you not only show your teammates that you care and it matters, but you also reinforce self-confidence in those people who are hitting the mark.

It’s nice, but it’s not amazing

Meek creates mediocrity. By avoiding hard conversations, you build a false sense of harmony that hides underlying issues and doesn’t challenge anyone to do better, innovate, and improve your product.

Fine! No more Mr Nice Guy, now what?

Enter Radical Candour, my saving grace in many a difficult conversation. A clear, flexible, and effective framework designed by legendary Kim Scott. Radical candour emphasises caring personally while challenging directly. In other words, be kind, be respectful, but be sure they hear what they need to hear.

Everyone deserves feedback that is both compassionate and useful. We need someone to tell us when our flies are undone; we need to hear, “You’re not hitting the mark, but here’s where and how you can improve”,

Radical candour creates psychological safety… ironically, the very thing that over-niceness attempts to do (see ‘Ruinous Empathy;). Teammates are not just encouraged to be better; they’re equipped to understand the areas where they need to grow. This creates genuine collaboration, stronger teams, and ultimately, a healthier business.

WARNING: Radical candour is NOT brutal honesty (see ‘obnoxious aggression’).

Practise being a kind a**hole

Your quest, if you choose to accept it, is to learn how to navigate difficult conversations early and effectively. I strongly recommend reading Radical Candour, and practising it as much as you can in a safe space - friends and family are a sure bet, and easier to bounce back from.

When you’re ready, share what you’ve learnt with your teammates and invite them to give you feedback using the model - it’s a scary but necessary part of the process. You can’t dish it out unless you can take it!

Invest in your feedback culture

Being nice isn’t the same as being kind. A healthy and happy workplace isn’t one where conflict is avoided at all costs, but one where issues are addressed directly and with empathy.

Creating this behavioural shift isn’t easy. And having a hard talk with someone feels taxing, but trust me, the payoff is worth it!

I started with a Katie Price quote, so I’ll end on one that feels pertinent and insightful: “I don't really want to do topless stuff anymore”, oh sorry, no, “I am happy to receive any items of jewellery” - that’s better.

So, the next time you’re tempted to put on your best fake smile for the sake of keeping the peace, remember: the cost could be far greater than the temporary discomfort of honesty.

And why am I telling you this?

I do just want you to know.

However, if you insist on making this a business thing, I offer training on feedback techniques and tackling difficult conversations. So HMU if you want to do / talk about that.